Communication is the key!
This week we covered Chapter 17 which was about communication. Apparently because this is such a key in marriage, we will be covering this topic for the next 2 or 3 weeks.
In the book that we are covering, Marriage on the Rock, Jimmy Evans says this about communication, “Communication is the bridge that connects the lives of two people making free access to the other person’s hearts and mind possible.”
We learned about the power of our words. That they have the power to build up or destroy. Proverbs 18:21 says that “the power of life and death are in the tonuge.” We have the ability in the context of marriage to lift our spouse up and encourage or beat them down and abuse them with our words. As one of Jimmy Evans’ seminars he made the profound statement that “words are NOT evaporative.” When we speak something to our spouse, we are “planting a seed” into their life and either positive fruits will grow or destruction will come about.
Suzanne’s show-and-tell consisted of different of seeds, including the seed of a habanero pepper which she could only hold with rubber gloves, She told the story of her daughter cooking with different peppers and once used the habanero and for a week could not remove the burn from their hands. Like this seed, our words can leave a “burn” that can be hard if not impossible to remove. When we speak hatefully towards our spouse or are just trying to establish our position or “rightness”, we can leave our spouses feeling hurt and vulnerable. We should create a “safe place” for our spouses to come to discuss their thoughts, feelings, and dreams.
As women, we are emotionally immodest and physically modest, where men are the exact opposite. Women can share ANYTHING with just about ANYONE! We can share our life story with the telemarketer from AT&T, however it takes a safe place for us to open up sexually to our husbands. Women need to know that they are loved and protected. Men can open up sexually at the drop of a hat, literally, where they must feel that their wife’s respect their need for confidentiality and trust. Men feel betrayed when their wives blab to their friends about their “soft side.” Just this evening, I was watching an episode of “Everybody Loves Raymond”, Raymond had written a eulogy for his father and in it he described a story about how he caught his tough father petting a pet bunny every night. Raymond left this out and his mother found it and thought it was sweet, so she shared it with her friends because she thought it was cute. Well in the end, Raymond’s dad found out about it the eulogy and denied the whole thing while reaffirming his family and taunting friends that he was a tough guy and had not actually done what Raymond thought he had seen as a young child.
This is exactly what women are guilty of very often. We take the time to cultivate our relationship with our husbands and the second he opens up, we run to our friends and we blab about this personal, for-our-ears-only information. When our husbands realize that this has happened, they feel that their trust has been betrayed and they will be less likely to open up in the future.
Now as for husbands, women are motivated by conversation. The woman’s need for open communication is as great as your need for sex. If you often dismiss your wife when she wants to talk or share your “feelings” with her, it is the same rejection that you feel when she rolls over night after night with a “headache”…(although, sometimes, we do have headaches). She needs communication to feel connected and when there is a lack of it, she can feel shut off and rejected by her best friend.
We learned how to have a “truth talk”which consisted of:
1. Caring about your spouse’s feelings- realizing that first, the issue is not the issue. Your spouse’s feelings about the issue IS the issue. Once we can understand them, we can reach resolution (not necessarily agreement, but a resolution)
2. Feelings are not right or wrong. They just are and can’t be judged.
3. Make a decision to set your need to be right aside
4. Choose body language that reflects care and respect
5. Begin the talk with affirmation and praise. DO NOT focus on what is “wrong” with
your spouse.
6. Listen with the goal of understanding your spouse’s feelings
7. Speak the truth in love and make your goal openness through intimate conversation.
Try using this technique while discussing a “area of particular uneasiness” with your spouse, even if it feels methodical while going through these steps. This will help diffuse any anger or defensiveness that might come up in a usual “discussion”.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Friday, September 12, 2008
Hard Times...Good God!
I mean to post this yesterday, but didn’t have the chance.
Yesterday was a rough day for me. I had to take my husband to the hospital for the second time in less than a week, only this time they admitted him. Now, after two weeks, going on three, “Nurse Jackie” gets a break. I’ve been thinking since all of these complications have occurred, how much our marriage has grown in the last year. I look back and we have been through a lot of tough stuff. Being 26 and dealing with major health issues can really put restrictions on your life; physically, emotionally, spiritually, and for sure financially…BUT through it all the Lord has been our focus (at least we try to make Him that). How much we can grow as a couple in the hard times, if we just allow the Lord to do His work. I am thankful today that we have gone through this…not thankful for the sickness, but thankful that when things have gotten tough, it has only pulled us closer together and strengthened our faith. I look at it this way…when we are saved, sometimes the Lord allows a time of great protection, where we are not faced with such serious situations in life, to build our faith up in Him. However, when we are tested in our faith, we can see so much growth in our lives if we use those opportunities to exercise our trust. Just as Jesus “passed the test” when He was tempted in the wilderness, His life fulfilled the purpose that He was created for with so much power. When we are faced with uncomfortable and even painful situations, we too can see our witness to others grow in power, because those around us begin to see that we our conversion is “real.” Well, the same thing happens in marriage. When we are faced with difficult situations, the loss of a job, sickness, etc, we can choose one of two reactions: cling to one another and look to the Lord and allow the situation to change us, or fall into the temptation of relying on own strength and in turn push others and the Lord away. It becomes very easy to get frustrated with one another and with the Lord even. We can begin to blame others for our circumstances and lose sight of our purpose in life. That’s exactly what Jesus did….He was tempted just like us, but proved to us, that we too can conquer the plans of the enemy and see great things come from our circumstances. Consider this: A family loses a child. As enormous of a loss this is, if the family trusts in the Lord through this, turning their pain, frustration, and heartache over to Him daily, after time, the Lord can heal their hearts and give them hope. Many times, those are the people that the Lord uses to console and minister to those going through the same thing. (I am particularly reminded of Stephen Curtis Chapman and the loss of their adopted little girl.)
Today, I look at my marriage with John and I see a relationship strengthened with the cords of love and commitment. I look at what we have gone through, and I am reminded that when we trust the Lord daily and we live in constant fellowship with one another and the Lord, our marriages and our relationship with the Lord can be fruitful and enjoyable. Our marriage today is much stronger, not due to the fun we have (although there is definitely a lot of that!), but I think due to the hard times that we have endured that have made us realize that our marriage is a commitment and a covenant, not just a feeling of love and happiness, because sometimes, we aren’t “happy.” Sometimes we are disappointed, frustrated, sick, or mad, but if we don’t lash out at each other or avoid one another and trust and pray that the Lord will be present in our circumstances, we can actually make it through these difficulties and live to tell about it! Blessings to everyone…especially those who are in the line of Mr. Ike.
Yesterday was a rough day for me. I had to take my husband to the hospital for the second time in less than a week, only this time they admitted him. Now, after two weeks, going on three, “Nurse Jackie” gets a break. I’ve been thinking since all of these complications have occurred, how much our marriage has grown in the last year. I look back and we have been through a lot of tough stuff. Being 26 and dealing with major health issues can really put restrictions on your life; physically, emotionally, spiritually, and for sure financially…BUT through it all the Lord has been our focus (at least we try to make Him that). How much we can grow as a couple in the hard times, if we just allow the Lord to do His work. I am thankful today that we have gone through this…not thankful for the sickness, but thankful that when things have gotten tough, it has only pulled us closer together and strengthened our faith. I look at it this way…when we are saved, sometimes the Lord allows a time of great protection, where we are not faced with such serious situations in life, to build our faith up in Him. However, when we are tested in our faith, we can see so much growth in our lives if we use those opportunities to exercise our trust. Just as Jesus “passed the test” when He was tempted in the wilderness, His life fulfilled the purpose that He was created for with so much power. When we are faced with uncomfortable and even painful situations, we too can see our witness to others grow in power, because those around us begin to see that we our conversion is “real.” Well, the same thing happens in marriage. When we are faced with difficult situations, the loss of a job, sickness, etc, we can choose one of two reactions: cling to one another and look to the Lord and allow the situation to change us, or fall into the temptation of relying on own strength and in turn push others and the Lord away. It becomes very easy to get frustrated with one another and with the Lord even. We can begin to blame others for our circumstances and lose sight of our purpose in life. That’s exactly what Jesus did….He was tempted just like us, but proved to us, that we too can conquer the plans of the enemy and see great things come from our circumstances. Consider this: A family loses a child. As enormous of a loss this is, if the family trusts in the Lord through this, turning their pain, frustration, and heartache over to Him daily, after time, the Lord can heal their hearts and give them hope. Many times, those are the people that the Lord uses to console and minister to those going through the same thing. (I am particularly reminded of Stephen Curtis Chapman and the loss of their adopted little girl.)
Today, I look at my marriage with John and I see a relationship strengthened with the cords of love and commitment. I look at what we have gone through, and I am reminded that when we trust the Lord daily and we live in constant fellowship with one another and the Lord, our marriages and our relationship with the Lord can be fruitful and enjoyable. Our marriage today is much stronger, not due to the fun we have (although there is definitely a lot of that!), but I think due to the hard times that we have endured that have made us realize that our marriage is a commitment and a covenant, not just a feeling of love and happiness, because sometimes, we aren’t “happy.” Sometimes we are disappointed, frustrated, sick, or mad, but if we don’t lash out at each other or avoid one another and trust and pray that the Lord will be present in our circumstances, we can actually make it through these difficulties and live to tell about it! Blessings to everyone…especially those who are in the line of Mr. Ike.
Monday, September 8, 2008
Welcome to the Marriage Breakfast Club!
Welcome to the Marriage Breakfast Club Blogspot.
Come in and stay a while as we discuss the meaning of marriage along with highlights from our weekly marriage class hosted by Blood-N-Fire Ministries in Dallas, TX.
Marriage was created to be a blessing. For those of you who don’t feel that way….keep reading!!!
At some point in your life, you have dreamed about meeting the Mr./Mrs. Right, your soul mate. If you are a girl, then you probably thought about this at least 20 times a day and mistakenly thought that you had met “the ONE” by second grade, only to find him holding hands and passing notes to your BEST FRIEND. Now you are probably at the point in the “dating game” as someone in our class described it, where you are/or were in search of someone to fill your deepest needs, someone who will watch football and LIKE IT, or someone who will send you flowers and box of chocolates just because they love you and don’t care how much you gain from eating them all at once. Whether you are single or married, you can have this mindset. Sounds a little selfish, huh? It all becomes about finding someone to make you happy, and as our pastor’s wife said, if you can’t be happy when you are single, then you SURE won’t be happy when you are married. Now, I am sure that those of us who are married, don’t intentionally go into marriage seeking that…instead we just want to spend every waking moment making this person happy. But, when we begin redeeming those little gift cards we got in the mail, once that knot is tied tight, disappointment slowly creeps in. As a woman, we realize that our Mr. Right doesn’t want to decorate our bedroom in flowers and enough candles to light the entire neighborhood, and he realizes that Mrs. Right tends to be opinionated and bossy when deciding that the see-through frog toilet lid is neither funny nor trendy, and that the fuscia color scheme will best suit “their” style. This is when something begins to rise up in us that wants to grab that toilet seat and say, “Well, that is what I want”, but we just silence that animal and say, ”Ok, dear. Anything for you,” only fearing that eventually everything will be for her/him. So how do we stop this vicious cycle, which is exactly what it becomes?
Each of us are born with a sinful nature that at its core seeks to meet its own desires. Life becomes about Me, Myself, and I. Until we are born-again into the Spirit of the Living God, through salvation with Jesus Christ, we are bound to this nature. But, if you have been set free and have the Holy Spirit living inside of you, you are no longer a slave to yourself. Romans talks about how we are not under the law of sin any longer, but that we are set free to live by the law of love. Look at it this way. When your mother tells you to stay out of the cookies, that is all you can think about…mmm…how good would a morsel of that yummy goodness be?? And the more you think about it, the more you want it, and the warning from your mother begins to fuel the fire, because you begin to think…”She knows how good they are and she just wants to keep them all to herself!”, not rationally thinking about the fact that you are about to eat and how she doesn’t want you to spoil your dinner. That is the law. However, when Jesus came to set us free, he placed His Holy Spirit inside of us and we begin to love the Lord, because He loved us when we were unlovable. Now, the love of God was spread abroad in our hearts and our actions become motivated by the love for God. Now, we walk into that kitchen, and as we see those freshly baked cookies mom just pulled out of the oven, we think about the last stomach ache we had from eating cookies before dinner and we realize that when our mother warned us long ago, it was because she was looking out for our little tummies. We remember that our mom always gives us a cookie after dinner so we walk past them for a hug instead.
This is the kind of love that should be active in our marriage. For those of you who think that you have a right to have your needs met and you will only, at that point return the favor to your spouse, you are thinking, as my pastor’s wife described, with a “contract” mindset. Protect your rights and limit your responsibilities. But God, knowing how evil and unlovable we were, out of a “covenantal love” sent his Son to sacrifice his life. He gave away His rights as GOD (as he came to earth as a human) and took responsibility for our sins, dying on the cross and wipe out our sins with His precious blood. Having been freed from sin and the law, we should respond back to Him in that same covenant and give up our self-proclaimed rights and take responsibility to live a life that pleases him…out of LOVE. So, just as we married our spouses because we loved them, we should live our lives in this same manner; giving of ourselves, submitting to one another, and taking responsibility for our flaws, insecurities, and mistakes. This frees us to be committed, connected, and conquerable. Now, every wall that begins to go up can be brought down with our love for one another and more importantly for the Lord.
You see the thing is, when we give of ourselves unselfishly, out of love to our spouse, they will eventually return the favor. We went to a Jimmy Evans conference once, and he said that if a husband wanted his wife to be more intimate with him, that he should serve her in a way that speaks her language. (We will eventually get to what that language consists of). Eventually, a payoff will come. Now, this doesn’t mean that we should serve out of an expectation of a night when our needs alone are met, but out of love, serving one another, sacrificing our needs for our spouse’s. The law has become love. We no longer “give in”, we just give. And the Bible says, he who gives, should give generously.
So, take the time this week to examine your marriage and ask yourself if your,"Is my marriage based on a contract or covenant?" If it is contract, then ask the Lord to teach you "all things", to show you how to love your spouse convenantaly, just as the Lord Jesus Christ loves you. Find ways to out-give your spouse, and remind them that you are commited to them and of your love for them.
God Bless!!!
Come in and stay a while as we discuss the meaning of marriage along with highlights from our weekly marriage class hosted by Blood-N-Fire Ministries in Dallas, TX.
Marriage was created to be a blessing. For those of you who don’t feel that way….keep reading!!!
At some point in your life, you have dreamed about meeting the Mr./Mrs. Right, your soul mate. If you are a girl, then you probably thought about this at least 20 times a day and mistakenly thought that you had met “the ONE” by second grade, only to find him holding hands and passing notes to your BEST FRIEND. Now you are probably at the point in the “dating game” as someone in our class described it, where you are/or were in search of someone to fill your deepest needs, someone who will watch football and LIKE IT, or someone who will send you flowers and box of chocolates just because they love you and don’t care how much you gain from eating them all at once. Whether you are single or married, you can have this mindset. Sounds a little selfish, huh? It all becomes about finding someone to make you happy, and as our pastor’s wife said, if you can’t be happy when you are single, then you SURE won’t be happy when you are married. Now, I am sure that those of us who are married, don’t intentionally go into marriage seeking that…instead we just want to spend every waking moment making this person happy. But, when we begin redeeming those little gift cards we got in the mail, once that knot is tied tight, disappointment slowly creeps in. As a woman, we realize that our Mr. Right doesn’t want to decorate our bedroom in flowers and enough candles to light the entire neighborhood, and he realizes that Mrs. Right tends to be opinionated and bossy when deciding that the see-through frog toilet lid is neither funny nor trendy, and that the fuscia color scheme will best suit “their” style. This is when something begins to rise up in us that wants to grab that toilet seat and say, “Well, that is what I want”, but we just silence that animal and say, ”Ok, dear. Anything for you,” only fearing that eventually everything will be for her/him. So how do we stop this vicious cycle, which is exactly what it becomes?
Each of us are born with a sinful nature that at its core seeks to meet its own desires. Life becomes about Me, Myself, and I. Until we are born-again into the Spirit of the Living God, through salvation with Jesus Christ, we are bound to this nature. But, if you have been set free and have the Holy Spirit living inside of you, you are no longer a slave to yourself. Romans talks about how we are not under the law of sin any longer, but that we are set free to live by the law of love. Look at it this way. When your mother tells you to stay out of the cookies, that is all you can think about…mmm…how good would a morsel of that yummy goodness be?? And the more you think about it, the more you want it, and the warning from your mother begins to fuel the fire, because you begin to think…”She knows how good they are and she just wants to keep them all to herself!”, not rationally thinking about the fact that you are about to eat and how she doesn’t want you to spoil your dinner. That is the law. However, when Jesus came to set us free, he placed His Holy Spirit inside of us and we begin to love the Lord, because He loved us when we were unlovable. Now, the love of God was spread abroad in our hearts and our actions become motivated by the love for God. Now, we walk into that kitchen, and as we see those freshly baked cookies mom just pulled out of the oven, we think about the last stomach ache we had from eating cookies before dinner and we realize that when our mother warned us long ago, it was because she was looking out for our little tummies. We remember that our mom always gives us a cookie after dinner so we walk past them for a hug instead.
This is the kind of love that should be active in our marriage. For those of you who think that you have a right to have your needs met and you will only, at that point return the favor to your spouse, you are thinking, as my pastor’s wife described, with a “contract” mindset. Protect your rights and limit your responsibilities. But God, knowing how evil and unlovable we were, out of a “covenantal love” sent his Son to sacrifice his life. He gave away His rights as GOD (as he came to earth as a human) and took responsibility for our sins, dying on the cross and wipe out our sins with His precious blood. Having been freed from sin and the law, we should respond back to Him in that same covenant and give up our self-proclaimed rights and take responsibility to live a life that pleases him…out of LOVE. So, just as we married our spouses because we loved them, we should live our lives in this same manner; giving of ourselves, submitting to one another, and taking responsibility for our flaws, insecurities, and mistakes. This frees us to be committed, connected, and conquerable. Now, every wall that begins to go up can be brought down with our love for one another and more importantly for the Lord.
You see the thing is, when we give of ourselves unselfishly, out of love to our spouse, they will eventually return the favor. We went to a Jimmy Evans conference once, and he said that if a husband wanted his wife to be more intimate with him, that he should serve her in a way that speaks her language. (We will eventually get to what that language consists of). Eventually, a payoff will come. Now, this doesn’t mean that we should serve out of an expectation of a night when our needs alone are met, but out of love, serving one another, sacrificing our needs for our spouse’s. The law has become love. We no longer “give in”, we just give. And the Bible says, he who gives, should give generously.
So, take the time this week to examine your marriage and ask yourself if your,"Is my marriage based on a contract or covenant?" If it is contract, then ask the Lord to teach you "all things", to show you how to love your spouse convenantaly, just as the Lord Jesus Christ loves you. Find ways to out-give your spouse, and remind them that you are commited to them and of your love for them.
God Bless!!!
"The Most Important Issue in Marriage" - week 1
“The Most Important Thing in Marriage” was the topic for our first week.
God has made us with 4 core needs that only HE can meet and that we need to evaluate our lives and find out if we are relying on our spouse or other people or things to meet those core needs. If we aren’t relying on the Lord to meet those needs, we should repent (“change our minds” as Suzanne said) and trust the Lord to meet those needs in our lives.
The 4 core needs were:
Acceptance- knowing that we are loved
Identity- knowing that we are significant
Security- knowing that we are provided for and protected
Purpose- knowing that we have a plan for our lives.
It we look to anything or anyone else other than God, we will continually be disappointed. When we rely on Him, our live will be full of joy and purpose, even through the rough times in life.
God has made us with 4 core needs that only HE can meet and that we need to evaluate our lives and find out if we are relying on our spouse or other people or things to meet those core needs. If we aren’t relying on the Lord to meet those needs, we should repent (“change our minds” as Suzanne said) and trust the Lord to meet those needs in our lives.
The 4 core needs were:
Acceptance- knowing that we are loved
Identity- knowing that we are significant
Security- knowing that we are provided for and protected
Purpose- knowing that we have a plan for our lives.
It we look to anything or anyone else other than God, we will continually be disappointed. When we rely on Him, our live will be full of joy and purpose, even through the rough times in life.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
