Week 3 & 4: Communication Continued...

Ok...So I haven't updated last week what went on in our last class, so I will combine what we talked about in class last weekend and the weekend prior.
So we have continued our discussion on communication. The week before last we covered some negative communication habits including attacking and defending, manipulating, and stuffing. We talked about how when we attack and defend we avoid the truth. When our spouse approaches us with a concern, if we are guilty of attacking, we might respond to their comment about, "When are you going to mow the lawn?" with "Geese, you never give me time to relax!" Instead of answering the often innocent question that they are asking, we might respond in a way that assumes that they are attacking us; our character, behavior, or attitude. A more responsive, not reactive, answer to the question might be, "Oh honey, I have had a really rough week and really to relax. Why don't we see if we could pay the neighbor's kid and we can go out tomorrow night?" Often, as I have heard in Emmerson Eggerich's book, Love and Respect, he talks about how couples get in the "crazy cycle" in which we respond to our spouse's negative behavior with our own negative behavior and it just becomes a viscious cycle. SOMEONE has to break it. Manipulation is another negative communication patter in which we say things to get our way, whether hurtful or positive. John and I were watching a tv show in which the couple was on the brink of divorce and the had a weekend to figure out if they wanted to remain married. The husband was a compulsive liar and the wife had begun to realize that. He made attempt after attempt to "say" something that would make her change her mind about the separation. Sadly, they did not make it (in the show at least), but he finally did realize that he could not use his words to manipulate his wife. We need to realize that we are each our own person and that getting married did not give us the authority or ability to change our spouse. Only God can do that for each of us when we are yeilded to Him. By using manipulating words, such as "you should", or "you must", or giving your spouse ultimatums or "if you love me" type of statements, we only push our spouses away or cause them to lose their personality and take on a behavior that will please you, out of bitterness or fear, not love. Stuffing was another negative habit in which one holds their feelings inside. Instead of rocking the boat, the throw the cargo in the hold. This feels like things are being forgiven or forgotten, but in reality, they are just being stored away only to come out when the storage space has run out. Even though we feel that we are loving our spouse by not "complaining", we are actually withholding truth from our spouse. Perhaps we feel that when our spouse does not call us from work, they are not thinking about us during the day, and begin to feel hurt. If we do not address this feeling with our spouse, we could conitue to harbor hurt and negative feelings toward our spouse for this and without realizing it, we may distance ourself from them. It could be that our spouse doesn't call us because they do not want to get us in trouble at work and are looking out for us. If we were to tell our spouse, it could be such and easy fix as them knowing that they can call us during the work day, and in knowing this, could avoid a lot of assumptions and hurt.
Last week we touched on men's need for honor and women's need for love. When a wife begins to show her husband honor in the way she treats him and the way she talks to him, his deepest need is met, and he will inadvertantly respond to his wife in a loving manner...eventually. This works the same the other way around. If we love and honor our spouse and make them feel comfortable in bringing their complaints to us, then they will be able to recieve them in return. When we are able to approach our spouse's "customer service" counter as Jimmy described it, we let our spouse know that we are not perfect and will make adjustments for our spouse, because we know that they love "our department store." Like our own favorite store...if we are able to return or exchange if it doesn't fit, it breaks, or is just the wrong color, we WILL shop at that store more often!
Some other key things we learned are:
1. We can create the world in which we live in with our words...use the wisely and nicely
2. Resolve conflict in a positive manner- our Truth Talk
3. Identify and be willing to repent of our negative communication habits.
4. Sacrifice to spend time in conversation with our spouse...daily
5. Deal with our problems on a daily basis...do not let the sun go down on our anger.
6. Commit that divorce is NOT an option. REMOVE this word from your vocabulary.